Wow has it really been 3 years already?

Time certainly flies when you’re having fun, doesn’t it?

Just a short while ago, the news broke that the New York Knicks and Phil Jackson have mutually agreed to part ways after his third season as President of Basketball Operations and GM.

Now for those of you who only know of Phil Jackson the Knicks Exec, let me introduce you to a man named the Zen Master.

Once upon a time a former New York Knicks Power Forward got a job coaching a little known team from the Windy City. He introduced this bizarre and unheard of offensive scheme called the Triangle. It called on the games greatest player to take something of a restrained role, but boy did it work. It worked so well that it led to a three-peat as NBA Champ for the Coach. His team had a down year of sorts following that stretch, but hey would you look at that another three-peat would come the Zen Master’s way.

Ousted from the organization he helped build, he wandered into the bright lights of Hollywood. His time there led to…wait you’re joking right…another three-peat because of the triangle and a few gifted offensive talents? Then an abysmal 6 year stretch came when his teams were so bad that they made it to just about every Conference Final and two more NBA Finals before succumbing to defeat. But just when you thought he was done…bam…he goes wins another two rings to bring his championship tally to a resounding 11.

So fast-forward to the year 2014, and imagine the delight of New Yorkers when they find out this former player was at last coming home to the Garden to lead the ailing Knickerbockers. Granted it was weird that he no longer was interested in Coaching and only wanted to pull the strings from the front office, but a winner is a winner we thought.

We thought wrong…

But this is a positive tribute to one Philip Douglas Jackson, so thanks for the memories!

• Thank you for firing a Head Coach (Mike Woodson) who took the Knicks to the second round of the playoffs for the first time in over a decade, the year before you showed up.
• Thank you for replacing him with one of your former players (Derek Fisher) who had no coaching experience. Not to mention the fact that he still acted like a player…remember the Matt Barnes fight? Of course you do.
• Thank you for trading the Knicks’ defensive centerpiece (Tyson Chandler) for some paper clips and Silly Bandz. Silly Bandz hadn’t been cool in years Phil…YEARS!
• Thank you for forcing Carmelo Anthony to stay with the Knicks despite the fact that it worsened his life and strained his relationship with Knick fans.
• Thank you for moving our Sixth Man of the Year (JR Smith) and the highest upside talent to grace the home locker room at the Garden in decades (Iman Shumpert) for a bag of chips and some gummy bears.
• Thank you for PorzinGOD…not a joke that was actually the best thing you did…
• Thank you for then pissing off PorzinGOD and actually shopping him around to other teams because he didn’t come to your damn exit interview.
• Thank you for overpaying New York’s least favorite Lopez brother.
• Thank you for trading away a young high-potential talent for a guy with no knees and an apparent tendency to not show up to his job (Derek Rose).
• Thank you for Joakim Noah…don’t worry, thanks to you he’ll be with us long after you’re gone.
• Thank you for making Carmelo Anthony feel so hated and unwelcome in a city he loves, and you know what just because I can I’m gonna credit you with him and Lala’s issues too.
• Thank you for generously paying yourself what only you thought your services were worth.

So now that we’ve gotten through that, enjoy your inevitable return to Los Angeles where you’re bound to oust poor Luke Walton as the Laker coach. Hope everything works out with you and the Buss family, I’m about 99% sure you screwed over the Knicks to reprove your loyalty to them

Now onto the point where I list ideal replacements that couldn’t possibly do worse than you did:

• Lebron James
  • I mean seriously he’s the only GM in the NBA who isn’t getting paid for the job.
• Charles Oakley
  • At least we know the Knicks fans like him.
• Me
  • Ask anyone who knows me, I’ve led like every NBA Franchise to a title on 2K.

Nonetheless…

Thank you Phil Jackson, if nothing else you gave everyone in New York a chance to come together in a very difficult time…sucks that we came together just to hate on you though.